I am one of those people that will give the shirt off their back for someone in need, especially if it is someone I care about. Regardless of the consequence, if someone I love needs me in some way, shape or form, I find a way to be there. Whether it’s to listen, to comfort, to provide support, or something more tangible, I drop everything, regardless of the consequence I may end up enduring, to find a way to be there. Perhaps I have a far too black and white view of the world, but I have always believed if you care, you do what you can. That being said, I do find that my acts of kindness often become a one way street whereby I end up being left hurt or rejected. Why is it that putting yourself out there and being vulnerable often leads to pain? Why would anyone want to hurt someone that is trying to be there for you? Why can’t there be a level of reciprocity that will negate any future strife? Why can’t a proven act of love override any mistakes you’ve made in the past? It only seems fair. But again, perhaps I am being too black and white about how the world works. I guess I need to take a look at my actions and dig deep.
Am I truly doing something for someone because I simply care? Or deep down, am I hoping for something in return?
If the secondary is my REAL truth, then of course I am going to be disappointed. I really should know better. Life has taught me that if you give to another with even the slightest hope of getting something in return, then maybe you truly aren’t giving. So that being said, I keep questioning myself and putting myself under the microscope. Maybe I should think twice before answering a call, or responding to a message. Even though I DO care and want to always “be there”, maybe that ISN’T the best way to be. Perhaps it is better to just ignore someone if deep down I know that nothing good will come of the communication. Or is that just negligent? I mean unless we can read minds, how can we REALLY ever KNOW what is going to come of a conversation. What if ignoring is turning your back on the essence of WHO you are? What if choosing to not respond leaves you even more clueless than you were to begin with? It’s all too confusing.
I look at my life path so far and I do realize I have taken many wrong turns, but at the end of each of those “dead ends” I have always paved a new path that led me to somewhere brighter and full of hope.
So maybe those dead ends weren’t dead ends after all.
Maybe they were purposeful destinations that opened my eyes to that which I would have never seen had I not journeyed. I don’t know? All I know, is that I really DON’T know.
At the end of the day, my biggest strength is also my biggest weakness.
What we do for love, what we sacrifice for love…what we need in love, I find it all to be a vicious cycle of confusion. I guess if I am being honest with myself, I DO have expectations. In life and love, I do want back what I give. So if I give you love, I want love in return. If I give you kindness, I want kindness in return. If I speak to you with respect, I want respect in return. If I give you consideration, I want consideration in return.
Is that really too much to ask?
Maybe it is. All the books I have read about relationships, human condition and “self help” have indicated that it is OKAY to want these things in return, yet I keep finding that my wants end up in some form of rejection. Maybe these wants are really just selfish forms of unrealistic EXPECTATION and that is why I keep getting hurt.
I can admit it, it’s something that I don’t handle well. I don’t like to leave others feeling rejected, so I certainly don’t like to be on the receiving end of it either. Rejection when it comes to love, in my mind, is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world. It leaves me feeling unworthy and stupid. When you are rejected by someone you love it makes you question everything you did up until that point that led you to that moment. It makes you want to go back and do the exact opposite in the hopes that the outcome will turn out opposite as well.
But we can’t go back.
That’s like trying to put rain back into a cloud. It’s just not gonna happen. Yet through it all, deep in my heart, I am relentless at trying to find that which “makes sense” and I believe there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. There just HAS to be. I know down deep I am a really good person and that I deserve happiness. I deserve to be respected, loved, considered, and valued. I just do. We ALL do. Right? That being said, I can’t help but feel that if I am feeling this way, that I must have made others feel this way as well, because our realities are really just mirrors of ourselves. That being said, I wish I could undo the past pain I’ve ever caused and fix anything that I broke. I hate knowing that I have caused pain or suffering in anyone. Especially unknowingly. But, I suppose feeling this way goes back to that notion of everything happens for a reason. I know that I have manifested these situations, and mostly all because of my then unrealized expectations. I think it all goes back to that deciding moment of forgetting to ask myself WHY am I doing something?
So I guess my new mission in life is to stop and ask myself WHY I am doing what I am doing?
Maybe once I am honest with myself all of this nonsense will stop.
Maybe since I am writing this now, maybe I have already reached that point.
I know I am rambling, but mostly I am sharing my confusion with the hopes that I am not alone in this madness. I can’t help but feel like there are many others out there that go through these very same emotions and perhaps sharing them, (even in a silly blog), will create some sort of change for myself or for another. At the end of the day my goal is complex, but simple (oxymoron much Stacey?)
To love and BE loved.
It should be, but so far it really hasn’t been…not one bit.
I am still living and breathing, so I refuse to give up hope.
Wish me luck. ;)